I spent the night helping a good friend build a road leading into the abyss and back again, fragmented and built and rebuilt so that one end became the beginning, became the end, became the beginning. I stared, loading the light while he paced back and forth on our makeshift bridge above the pavement, trying to ignore the foggy windows and the soggy moans and the shifting shifting creaking from the cars around me. Full purses. Dressed all in black, weighed down by the hour, Jesus, what time is it now? Sifting through 70’s porno mags crusted with spunk that didn’t come from a clean place to begin with, everything covered with layers of dirt and cement and the sounds reverberating off the streets above. It’s dark here. The shanties have been here since last time but right now, it’s just us and the great wide nothing. And of course, the naked ladies. I lost my pills a few days ago and just found them again this morning. I’m angry, annoyed, tired; one or the other or a combination of the three. I’m scared, too, but less than I had been. Being in that place again reminds me just how much I need the damn things. This morning in class I almost broke down for no reason. But here, in this potentially dangerous and forgotten hole in the world I felt a sort of ease. Maybe it’s just the pills setting in again. The light ball flickers. The vestige of a place we know and love. It flickers, one on, two on, three on, four. Blue and yellow and alight in this hovel like the brightest star. And then it dies. And in that moment I know that I’m not alone. In the crushing darkness I’m wrapped in a blanket, not drifting in a void, and I feel that dead space might not be so bad after all.
Love,
Jason
I am a boy of little relevance.
I run down to the rocks and draw little circles up and down my fingers pretending I don’t really want to swim today. It is too hot out. I’m sick. I am embarassed. I am afraid. I am in the background now.
I run my fingers over strings and bang on drums pretending that I am an adult, and this is serious business, and I have to work today, and I am tired. I’m not leaving the house today.
I roll down the hill and accrue very little. Mostly I’ll just continue to roll. I think I must like to roll. Knocking things down. Falling. Tumbling. I don’t seem to learn that rolling is bad for you. I know I’ll get a headache, but I don’t seem to care.
It’s late. I don’t want to sleep because I want to do things and don’t want to do things because I am sleepy. I ate too much. My eyes hurt. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I am embarassed. I am afraid. I am in the background now.
Maybe I’ll back away a little further this time.
I ran over a bird on the drive home. Thanks universe, for making this day even shittier.
I can’t recall ever having such a single minded fixation on. Well. Anything. But my fingers are blackened and burned and bleeding and yet I keep plucking away and I don’t want to do anything else. I’m rather reluctant to sleep. So I’m hoping to get this damn thing finished and exorcised from me within a couple of weeks so that I may get some fucking rest. I sincerely hope this isn’t one of those things where I go back and read and think, “Well that was silly, I’m not terribly self aware am I?”
Assuming I don’t cede to laziness, WHO WANTS AN EP???
